Blank Canvas
By: Brian Holdsworth
As someone who waited to have sex before I was married, I had a lot of people tell me how doomed my marriage was going to be as a result. They would point out that I wouldn’t know how to keep my wife happy in the boudoir and that I would need to make sure that we were compatible before getting married. I guess the logic is sorta like with a car. You wouldn’t buy a car until you take it out for a spin first right? Well, maybe, except I don’t like to think of my wife as a car, but as a person. And furthermore, notice how self centered that thinking is. It's like saying," I have to put her to the test to make sure she's good enough for me". A marriage is about letting go of your selfish tendencies, but if your thinking is in that frame of mind going in, I can expect that you’re going to have some problems.
Since getting married, I've also had a few conversations and others relayed to me from people who followed that approach to a 'happy marriage' (multiple sexual partners first). In all of these instances, the couples were unhappy in their marriage and pointed to frustrations in their sex lives.
When it comes to compatibility, I've always said the same thing: what's more compatible than two virgins? While it's true, neither of them will know all the ins and outs of "pleasurable" sex, I've got news for anyone that disagrees, sex is naturally pleasurable. There's no secret. In fact, I would argue that the thing that makes sex not good for two people is when they a) have all sorts of preferences, based on past experiences, that differ and are therefore incompatible, which is a more likely result of having multiple partners, and b) a lack of actual love between two individuals. Now you might object and say that just because they aren’t married doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. That may be true in part, but the type of love I’m referring to is a committed type of love. The type that both parties can feel confident in and never wonder when so and so is going to leave for another new ride. If the two engaged in the act don't love each other (in a committed and selfless way), they're really just looking to get as much fun out of the act as they can for their own sake, but if they have different tastes (again a more likely possibility for people with multiple past partners and experiences) than it will be far more difficult for them to work together to make the experience enjoyable for both. It would be like two people being offered a fresh pizza and the opportunity to, each, put their own toppings on it and to try and enjoy the end result. Well, one may put on mushrooms while the other hates them, the other may put on peppers while the other has sensitivity to spicy food and neither will know or care what the other's preference is because they are only in the experience to try to get the pizza that they want.
Or, if this is a better example, I like to think of our sexual experiences as an art canvas. If we start to have multiple experiences with multiple partners, we can equate that to painting on the canvas with all sorts of colors and strokes (experiences) that are incompatible with one another. As a result, the canvas gets kind of messy. Imagine bringing two people with their own messy canvases together and saying, OK make these two pieces of art work together. It would most likely be very difficult to do so. Now imagine two people with blank canvases who are committed out of love for one another who have invited each other to paint on each other’s canvases together with no interference from outside brush strokes. To me, that's WAY more incredibly romantic and a much more realistic expression of love.
My wife and I waited until we were married and I can say that our sexual experience together is much better than what is described from my complaining friends who are in it for the 'pleasure' and not the love. The point is, loving and committed sex is the most pleasurable kind and people who choose multiple partners first probably don’t know what that's like and that means they’re missing out and, unfortunately, their past choices have made it so that they’ll never have a blank canvas that they can share with someone else who is in the exact same position offering the exact same gift back. What would you prefer, marrying someone with a messy canvas and tons of baggage from broken relationships or someone with a blank canvas who invites you to make the first stroke?
My point is that even though there are a lot of people out there with messy canvas's they dont have to lose hope in finding happiness in marriage! It is possible.....it's a matter of respecting yourself and the one you love! :)
thanks
A relationship that splits due to 'bad' sex can not have been a very good relationship in the first place.